What Is Mediation?

There are an overwhelming number of decisions that have to be made before a couple can divorce. Mediation is a way to make those decisions without the ugliness or cost of a court battle. Mediators guide you through the process of separating, explaining the issues you have to deal with and the choices you can make. The mediator can give you information and suggest resources to help you, but you are in control of the outcome.

Mediators use a variety of techniques to help you make decisions. Even if communications with your spouse aren't good, a skilled mediator can help each of you express your concerns and get your needs met. Mediators help you focus on your interests, and on creating a plan for your future.

The typical steps in mediation are to identify the issues, create options for resolving them, analyze the options, discard options that don't meet the needs of all the parties (including the children), and choose the best solution. Mediation works best when both parties are confident that they can represent their own interests. The better informed you are before beginning mediation, the more effectively you can use the process, and the more you will benefit from the many advantages of mediation:

Control: You make the decisions, not a lawyer or a judge. You decide when to meet, how often and for how long. You decide what the issues are and how you want to resolve them. You can stop at any time.

Confidentiality: All discussions are in private, rather than in open court. Only you, your spouse and your mediator know what is said in mediation.

Creativity: Mediation allows you to make your settlement fit your family, rather than making your family try to fit the law. You can create parenting and financial agreements that would be beyond the powers of the court. For example, the "nesting" agreement for child custody (children remain in the home and the parents move in and out).

Cost-effectiveness: Because you are in control you know exactly how much you are spending. Your mediator can show you how to do things on your own (budgets, worksheets, schedules, etc.) and how to use mediation efficiently. A typical legal bill for litigation might be $15,000 for each spouse. For mediation you might spend only $2,500 altogether.

Certainty: Since you have control, and you can't be forced to do anything you don't want to, you can be certain that any agreement you reach is fair to you. If you go to court there is no certainty that the outcome will be fair to anyone. In fact, the legal process usually leaves everyone very unhappy. There are no real "winners" in court.

In addition to the advantages listed above, mediation is also voluntary and fair. You don't have to participate, and you don't have to agree to anything unless you are satisfied that the result is fair.

Every couple willing to work together to resolve their issues can benefit from trying mediation. If it doesn't work you can still go to court.

© 2002 Caryn Lennon

For more information, contact the director of The Divorce Resource Network, Lynn R. Fletcher, 703-244-7717 LRFletch5@aol.com