by Caryn S. Lennon, JD

Every couple goes through a process of detaching from each other before they consider ending their marriage. No two couples will experience this process in the same way, but there are some similarities. Almost everyone will feel anger, fear, guilt and grief at some point. How they choose to deal with their feelings will have a significant impact on their divorce. Couples who don’t deal with their emotions first will bring the anger and fear into the legal and financial negotiations.

There is nothing more likely to lead to disaster than making decisions on the basis of anger, fear or guilt.

“I don’t want anything; I just want out!” may seem like a good idea under the influence of fear or guilt, but those emotions are temporary. The consequences of the decision are long-term and permanent.

“She’ll get alimony/he’ll get the kids over my dead body.” is another common reaction that usually has nothing to do with the legal and financial realities of a situation.

If you are in a position to advise or help someone who is thinking about divorce, here’s what you need to know:

• Divorce is a complex series of events
• Every divorce is different
• The emotional divorce is the most difficult stage of the process
• The best person to help with the emotional divorce is a therapist or counselor who is trained in these issues, not a lawyer
• Getting the emotional divorce first will simplify everything else

© 2004 The Divorce Resource Network, LLC